If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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