i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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