The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
