True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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