I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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