Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
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