I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
