It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
we're so committed to being not committed
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
