So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize