Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We smell like vodka and hangover
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