Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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