i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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