I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize