Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
