So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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