did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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