I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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