Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
