Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
