I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
