I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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