Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
