walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
