Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
