Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
