I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
