please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
