My liver just broke up with me...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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