Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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