I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
