I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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