My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
