Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize