I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
sarcasm needs its own font
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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