Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize