I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
