I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
