Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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