i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Someone came in the potted fern
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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