I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
