Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
