the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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