Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
