last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
