Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
