if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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