I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize