me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
