I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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