Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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