mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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