Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
