I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This is classic penis vs brain.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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