In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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