Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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