dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
