how can u be prego again
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
