Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
