i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
