apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
