Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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