Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i think i have two assholes
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
