wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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