sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
