I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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