Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
