Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
