Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize