my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
