one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
